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  • Writer's pictureJohannes Becht

War in Ukraine: Russia develops Tank that runs on Vodka

What sounds like another bad trip of Mission Impossible, now finally came true: The Russian Federation has developed strategies, and even a solution, against its never-ending problem of fuel shortages.

Background: Russia, after almost 3 months of trying to take over the country of Ukraine, is still experiencing significant issues with fuel shortages for its tanks and other vehicles. There are also food and other supply shortages. However, according to several Russian officials that had the opportunity to speak with President Vladimir Putin directly over a distance of 300 feet (those tables keep getting longer), Russian engineers came up with an amazing idea. The new tank model V69. It runs entirely on vodka. Asking how they came up with this extraordinary idea, Dmitry Mishenko, one of the engineers, said: "You know, eh, there is always enough vodka on the front lines. I mean, who would drink gasoline to get high? Not the Russians for sure, we aren't crazy, okay?" Reports of soldiers selling fuel for a bottle of vodka are likely to have influenced the leadership's decision to focus their efforts in supplying more vodka to the front lines. Mishenko: "It just makes sense. Vodka is an allrounder. It's a life saver. You got a wound? Disinfect it with vodka. Heartbreak? Flush it down with vodka. Hungry? Vodka fills your stomach in no time. Need to kill somebody? Just give him enough vodka. Vodka is a super weapon. It clearly has killed more people than nuclear bombs." One problem, however, is that the octane number of alcohol isn't high enough, which causes knocking in the engine. "That's actually not a problem," Mr. Mishenko said. "This way, we can play 'Knock, knock, who's there? The Russians!' with the Ukrainian army. It's soooo much fun!" Prostitutes as fuel? Mr. Mishenko also revealed that due to Russia's chronic disregard for human life, it was even considered to use prostitutes. "Our glorious leader Putin said it himself: We've got the best prostitutes in the world." But how would that work? "It's pretty easy," says Mr. Mishenko, visibly proud of his... excellent... ideas. "It's a similar process to burning coal, like with those old locomotives, you remember? Well, we still use that in Russia, that's why we need the vodka to clear our throats." According to the engineer who graduated from Putin University Moscow, using prostitutes to get the tanks going would also solve another, "very severe" issue. "You know, since we already lost tens of thousands of soldiers, those poor ladies would be out of a job anyways, especially because there aren't any Western tourists anymore." In the end, though, the Russian leadership decided to settle for vodka.

Mishenko: "They made the right call. The smell of burned humans would remind the soldiers too much of McDonalds and they would want to go home. But we need them in the Ukraine for our special military operation. And especially, McDonalds just pulled out of Russia. It would destroy them."


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